.... continued unedited raw
I miss snow. I miss you. I think yesterday was the first time we chatted other than the first time I head from you that Saturday about Trump's fake Lehigh degree when you weren't falling asleep at the keyboard and had time to chat.
I know you're busy. I know you're tired. But I could spend days online with you catching up.
Really felt like you finally started opening up to me again last night. Like we were communicating and again rather than me just running my mouth endlessly to an uninterested audience.
I have millions of readers. But they don't know me like you do. They think they do, they hope they will, they beg for my time and attention profess their love for me hoping to capture my attention, but they'll never have it the way you do.
I worry that it's too much for you. I don't want you to feel like you are responsible for my feelings and it was especially hard when I told you how much it hurt when you left so many years ago.
I want to walk away. I want to angry. I want to remember how much it hurt so I never allow myself to fall so deeply for anyone again.
But here we are. And I can't seem to let go. And I can't seem to set you free even tho I fear that my feelings are nothing more than a burden to you. And being so sick is terrifying. I know you noticed when it first happened because I saw several messages from you where you said you were worried when I lost fine motor control and saw that I couldn't type or communicate.
I didn't tell you (or anyone else) how serious it was because I didn't want anyone to know how broken and vulnerable I was. I didn't want you to contact me out of duty or obligation.
When I realize that you and I will never share an embrace or a bed again, the only saving grace is that in your eyes, I'll always be young, beautiful, vibrant and healthy.
Then I know how sick you've been and remember how much shame you felt over your illness that you would use the bathroom downstairs completely unaware that I was completely unphased by it at all.
If anything, in retrospect it was more hurtful to think you thought something so human and clearly beyond your control could make you doubt my commitment and total devotion towards you.
And then I got sick. And I was depressed and suicidal and felt like the best thing I could do for anyone including you was remove myself from their lives and this world that clearly wasn't meant for people as fragile and broken as I was at the time.
And the world reinforced that message. Society reinforced that message. My own mother told me I was better off dead and still tells me that my illness (albeit mental illness or the physical illness that has paralyzed my life and my body for months now) are nothing but a burden on her and Society and that she is so ashamed and embarrassed to have a child who is such an embarrassment that she doesn't tell anyone she even has children.
She refuses to acknowledge, read, watch or comment on any of the countless articles, books, websites or documentaries written by or about me.
I spent too long battling those demons and I can see clearly the problem lies with her and it is simply cruel and beyond sick for her to have put all of these things on me as a child let alone as an adult who can and will fight with trauma and depression for the rest of my life.
Yet, here I am all over again. Broken and beaten and my mother came into my hospital room, took my property, violated my privacy and compromised my health in ways that are too complicated to name here.
But there are records and Court papers and surveillance video because last time I was alone with her she attacked me physically and I don't have the strength to protect myself from her violent assaults or the energy to explain how someone so "beautiful" and charming could be so cruel and calculating that she came to the hospital asking me to sign over my life insurance and to gain access into an Estate and inheritance that she feels she is owed to her from a divorce settlement in 1975.
She came up with an elaborate scheme and story telling me that she needed information from my father and his 89 year old mother so she cloud help me get medical care and benefits and provide for my care after her death.
Every time she complained about money she blamed it on me. She had to marry men she hated so she could provide for me. My father left her because of ME!!
I was SIX MONTHS OLD!! My mother told me (at age 39) "for the record, your father left YOU, not me!"
Bitch, get real.
She tried to have my grandmother's body exhumed for a pair of diamond earrings and had the audacity to tell my uncle she wanted the earrings for me.
Then last week, when I told her how gravely I'll I was she left me on the floor covered in blood and urine and without food or medication and yelled at me and demanded money for a $10.00 copay at the pharmacy and refused to pick it up because it was an inconvenience for her.
She has already made multiple demands for money, sold my jewelry, my bicycle and is already trying to force me into a nursing home so she can sell my condo and personal items.
She kept me on the phone for 3 hours and 38 minutes screaming at me for being sick and told me how my she can't afford to help me because she couldn't afford it since my grandmother only left her $750,000
rather than the $1 Million she promised and the $4 Million she was expecting.
I must stop here. I asked her for $100. That's all. I promised to pay her back with interest. She said no and left me for dead.
I'm not dead yet. And despite discussion all of this is Chapter 11, clearly my story is far from over.
I've pulled my content from Amazon and it is all available for free.
I'm calling this Chapter 13 and will add the 28 footnoted pages when I am able.
Cross posting live cuz fùck the world.
I'm not the first person with a severe illness to be exploited by a greedy self obsessed relative but I sure hope I'm the last.
Looks like I'm going to need some serious therapy when this is over or to help me get through this, but my fans are loyal and kind and send me letters every day to tell me how much I am loved.
And when your own mother tells you and and everyone else that you are better off dead and demands legal authority to discontinue medical treatment before you even have a diagnosis, it helps me to know that not everyone feels that way.
Chillieh Penguin 🐧 ©️ 2018
^ed
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