Chapter 14: Diagnosis

Chapter 14:

Diagnosis

DailyDDoSe March 23, 2018

Jeffrey Rubin from neurology just took an extensive medical history and lengthy physical exam and said is calling in a Neurosurgeon (Grubel) and 100% feels I need a NEUROSURGEON. My PCP already spoke with him and is making the necessary referral for get the neurosurgeon to see me here at my bedside.

He apologized extensively when and said he was shocked that I fell through the system given my education and experience in healthcare. He knows the Green in Miami and said he's excellent but said that if it was his daughter he would be perfectly comfortable with Grabel doing the surgery here.

I gave him HIPPA permission to discuss treatment and diagnosis with you, Rita, and Steve and he said I was an excellent communicator and gave him a better history than he gets from most doctors which made me happy since it feels like he really HEARD me and was simply amazed and saddened that I managed to fall through the system and how badly they failed me.

I feel the same way.

It was incredibly difficult for me to ask for help and it breaks my heart to think of people who are unable to advocate for themselves or lack the knowledge to resources to fight for what they need.

Rubin said they can't promise that my function, sensation, dexterity will return after surgery but feels there is a good possibility that some will and that it's critical they do the surgery to prevent further impairment.

On a personal level, I'm having a difficult time processing how this could happen to me when I have fought so hard for others as an advocate, policy analyst, lobbyist, policy advisor and health care provide changing laws and policies for so many others yet found myself completely incapable to medically necessary treatment for myself despite my best efforts.

I realize that emotionally I'm going to need to need to some therapy to cope with the fact that my mother exploited, abandoned and treated me with such blatant abuse and neglect forcing me escalating and triggering deep psychological wounds I dealt with long ago.

That's on me. And I know writing helps me to process the extreme emotional abuse and trauma so I can let go of it before I internalize her cruelty and neglect and go back to that dark place I fought so hard to escape.

There is ZERO doubt in my mind that there is a strong mind body connection and there are countless studies that show how severe pain and disability can cause or escalate depression.

I can't begin to go into the ways my biological mother tortured me and actively compromised my mental and physical health over the years and I am done trying to give her the benefit of the doubt or buying in to her lies or transparent efforts to manipulate me claiming to be concerned for my well being.

Anything my mother does or has done for me is nothing more than superficial efforts to feed her narcissistic, borderline, histrionic and psychotic behavior and need to be seen as both a martyr and a victim and I refuse to be either.

So I'm done. I knew what I was getting into when she purchased two condos for Lauren and knew that all the trust fund talk was bullshit, but knew that I had enough evidence and strength to stand up to her in a way that Lauren could not.

Karen has been trying to force me out before I even moved in and I will literally burn the place down before I allow her to force me into a nursing home or out on the street and that's where I'm at.

This chapter is a lot longer than it should be and I would love to return to writing policy briefs, a real job and the advocacy that has helped so many others and so desperately needed in such a fragile society and health care system.

I have made a bit of a name for myself over the years willing to share my story publicly and privately to advocate for change and while it has made me a target and left me vulnerable, I feel that my story and experience changes lives and policies in the real world.

I'm can take the hits. I'm a lot stronger than people realize and having your support and seeing how quickly you found Steve and Elaine to get me proper care has helped me to see that despite all the horrible things my mother told me were not true and wish I was able to see that when I was younger and given you the respect you deserved for wanting the best for me.

For wanting me to achieve success and independence on my own and I hope it's not too late to say thank you and I'm sorry for doubting that your tough love style was for your convenience rather than my benefit.

There is nothing worse in my mind than being unable to care and provide for myself albeit financially or physically and tho I never cared much about money or material items, I was more concerned with changing the lives of others rather than demanding to be paid what I am worth while under contract.

Perhaps too late to change that, but as you know I made the decision to go back to work in the real world a few weeks before I became completely and totally disabled and paralyzed by this illness.

So until then, I write and hopefully soon I will walk and maybe someday soon I will go back into the work force and fix this problem so another person forced to go through what I've been through these last few months.

Thank you, Dad. And please thank Rita for calling yesterday afternoon. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to hear from her and have her ask me if there was anything I "need."

I wasn't an easy child and a pretty defiant teenager and know how difficult I can be at times. Rita really got a raw deal getting stuck with Lauren and I and having to deal with the vile hatred and abuse my mother unleashed upon her for so many years.

Seeing David recently was an eye opening experience for me. Hearing how proud you were of Alex made me a bit sad wondering if anything I've done or written over the years made you feel the same sense of pride and made me realize how different my life could and would have been had I learned earlier how sick and dangerous my mother was to my physical, emotional and financial well being and future.

You should here from Deltor soon.

I have no doubt this is way too many words to say what needed to be said about my diagnosis, but wanted to put it out there before losing the inspiration or ability to write.

Both you and David can take it down but I would rather you didn't.

I'm a bit emotional dealing with so much on my own for so long, but I know others gain strength in my story and perseverance and hope that by writing through the dark as well as the light will help others who find themselves ready to give up on themselves and the world around them.

Much love, respect and appreciation.

Liz ©️🐧 2018

^ed