One might think that the problems with the state's Pre-K/Kindergarten portfolio evaluation couldn't get any worse. But, we are dealing with the Tennessee Department of Education and failed leader Candice McQueen. These are the same people who brought us fake hacking and a monstrous TNReady dump truck.
Anyway, after this year's blame the teachers portfolio event, the state finally agreed to review portfolios and re-score them. In fact, the state offered $500 each to reviewers who would meet at centralized locations and on a single day (September 8th) to assess the portfolios in question. This would allow for immediate feedback and assistance should problems arise.
The good news: No assistance was necessary because problems didn't arise during the scoring.
The bad news: That's because there was no scoring as the state's vendor, Educopia, could not provide access to the portfolios in order for them to be graded.
This means trained reviewers sat in rooms around the state looking at blank screens instead of assessing portfolios. It means they were fed chicken sandwiches and then told to go home. It means they were promised $500 for the lost day.
Now, those same reviewers are awaiting further guidance. Ostensibly, they will be provided access to Educopia on Monday and have one full week to grade the portfolios. Additionally, Educopia has promised to pay each reviewer an additional $250.
If you're a Pre-K/K teacher waiting for your portfolio to be reviewed (again), you'll have to keep waiting.
Of course, you'll also soon be introduced to the new Portfolium platform. Maybe it will work. Maybe not.
For more on education politics and policy in Tennessee, follow @TNEdReport
One might think that the problems with the state's Pre-K/Kindergarten portfolio evaluation couldn't get any worse. But, we are dealing with the Tennessee Department of Education and failed leader Candice McQueen. These are the same people who brought us fake hacking and a monstrous TNReady dump truck.
Anyway, after this year's blame the teachers portfolio event, the state finally agreed to review portfolios and re-score them. In fact, the state offered $500 each to reviewers who would meet at centralized locations and on a single day (September 8th) to assess the portfolios in question. This would allow for immediate feedback and assistance should problems arise.
The good news: No assistance was necessary because problems didn't arise during the scoring.
The bad news: That's because there was no scoring as the state's vendor, Educopia, could not provide access to the portfolios in order for them to be graded.
This means trained reviewers sat in rooms around the state looking at blank screens instead of assessing portfolios. It means they were fed chicken sandwiches and then told to go home. It means they were promised $500 for the lost day.
Now, those same reviewers are awaiting further guidance. Ostensibly, they will be provided access to Educopia on Monday and have one full week to grade the portfolios. Additionally, Educopia has promised to pay each reviewer an additional $250.
If you're a Pre-K/K teacher waiting for your portfolio to be reviewed (again), you'll have to keep waiting.
Of course, you'll also soon be introduced to the new Portfolium platform. Maybe it will work. Maybe not.
For more on education politics and policy in Tennessee, follow @TNEdReport
Seven years ago, the FBI used a kind of spyware known as a CIPAV to track down and arrest a 15-year-old hacker who was sending bomb threats to a high school near Olympia. Old news for privacy watchdogs. But today, ACLU analyst Christopher Soghoian trawled through an arcane set of the bureau's records and came across something startling: in order to get the suspect's computer infected with the spyware, the documents suggest the FBI sent a message to him that masqueraded as an e-mail from the Seattle Times.
"Here is the email link in the style of the Seattle Times," wrote one FBI agent, whose name is redacted. "Below is the news article we would like to send containing the CIPAV," wrote another. The e-mail includes a message, a headline, a link, and subscription information all purporting to represent an Associated Press article carried online by the Seattle Times. According to WIRED editor Kevin Poulsen, the message acted as a phishing attack and was sent to the young man's MySpace account, "luring him to read an article about himself at a custom url."
The HTML behind the link would presumably redirect the viewer to an FBI server, which would infect the computer with spyware (CIPAV stands for Computer & Internet Protocol Address Verifier) allowing the government to track the computer's "IP address, MAC address, list of running programs, operating system, Internet browser used, language used, the registered computer name, the currently logged-in username, and more," according to Ars Technica.
"I remember reading about it at the time and wondering, 'How do they get people to click on their stupid links?'" says Soghoian, the ACLU's principal technologist.
The suspect, identified only as Josh in court records because he was a juvenile, was arrested following the apparently successful use of the CIPAV. But, Soghoian says, "The ends don't justify the means. I'm not saying that the FBI shouldn't be investigating people who threaten to bomb schools. But impersonating the media is a really dangerous line to cross."
The editor of theSeattle Times, Kathy Best, says they just learned about this and are seeking answers from the FBI and the US Attorney's Office. "We are outraged that the FBI misappropriated the name of the Seattle Times to secretly install spyware on the computer of a crime suspect," Best says in an e-mailed statement. "Not only does that cross the line, it erases it... We hope that this mistake in judgment by the FBI was a one-time aberration and not a symptom of a deeper lack of respect for the role of a free press in society."
Soghoian likened the FBI's apparent ploy to the CIA's 2011 fake vaccine campaign in Pakistan, which was in reality a front for intelligence gathering. The CIA pledged not to engage in any future deceptive public health campaigns last year.
Frank Montoya Jr., the special agent in charge of the FBI's Seattle office, said in a statement: "Every effort we made in this investigation had the goal of preventing a tragic event like what happened at Marysville and Seattle Pacific University. We identified a specific subject of an investigation and used a technique that we deemed would be effective in preventing a possible act of violence in a school setting. Use of that type of technique happens in very rare circumstances and only when there is sufficient reason to believe it could be successful in resolving a threat. We were fortunate that information provided by the public gave us the opportunity to step in to a potentially dangerous situation before it was too late."
And agency spokesperson Ayn Dietrich-Williams declined, for now, to disclose further details about how the fake e-mail was designed, writing: "I'm sure you'll understand that in order to safeguard the FBI's ability to effectively detect, disrupt, and dismantle threats to the public, we must be judicious in how we discuss investigative techniques."
Here's the Times' full statement:
We, like you, just learned of this and are seeking answers ourselves from the FBI and the U.S. Attorney's office.
But we are outraged that the FBI misappropriated the name of The Seattle Times to secretly install spyware on the computer of a crime suspect. Not only does that cross the line, it erases it.
Our reputation—and our ability to do our job as a government watchdog—is based on trust. And nothing is more fundamental to that trust than our independence from law enforcement, from government, from corporations and from all other special interests. The FBI's actions, taken without our knowledge, traded on our reputation and put it at peril.
Hacking seems to have become a go-to FBI tactic without much public thought or debate
Even as the FBI warns US citizens that their personal data is increasingly likely to be hacked by criminals, the agency – without any public debate – is quietly ramping up its own abilities to hack anyone in the world. And, as we found out this week, their underhanded tactics are even ensnaring news organizations.
The Seattle Times and Associated Press issued angry statements to the FBI on Tuesday after the American Civil Liberties Union's Chris Soghoian discovered that the FBI had falsified an AP story and byline, and then possibly attempted to make it look like the fake story was published on the Seattle Times website – all to deliver malware to a suspect in a criminal case. The evidence was buried in documents obtained by EFF (pages 61-62) under the Freedom of Information Act three years ago (and the emails date back even further), but no one seems to have noticed before this week.
Seattle Times editor Kathy Best said in a statement to The Stranger that the paper was "outraged" by the FBI's apparent behavior and added: "Not only does that cross the line, it erases it... We hope that this mistake in judgment by the FBI was a one-time aberration and not a symptom of a deeper lack of respect for the role of a free press in society." The AP followed suit, saying they were "extremely concerned and find it unacceptable" that the FBI would falsify an AP byline to deliver its malware.
Mike Baker (@ByMikeBaker)
Since the FBI is in the business of distributing fake news stories, they won't mind if I start distributing fake subpoenas, right?
After defending the practice on Monday, the FBI issued a statement Tuesday saying that, while they did fake the AP story, they did not in the end spoof the Seattle Times website. Though there are still a lot of questions that FBI seems unwilling to answer. Because the documents were heavily redacted, it's tough to tell how the whole plan worked: we still don't know how the FBI delivered the link (through a fake reporter or mySpace friend), to which website the link went, how many people besides the suspect clicked on it, or whether there even more impersonation going on beyond what we see in the email. And most importantly: how often do they normally impersonate news organizations and falsify articles?
Whatever the answers, impersonating news organizations is supposed to be beyond the pale for the US government. Even the CIA – of all places – has had a rule in place since the 70s barring its agents from impersonating journalists in the field. So why is the FBI allowed to pretend to be news organizations online?
Christopher Soghoian (@csoghoian)
A matter of time till media orgs follow lead of public health deans in demanding policy of no US gov impersonation. http://t.co/S8OF4iFEl6
In the six years since the FBI impersonated the Seattle Times and AP to hack a suspect, it's only ramped up its exploits. Since at least 2007, the FBI has had what it calls a "Secure Technologies Exploitation Group" – which is a more polite way of saying they have a team that hacks computers.
In an extraordinary report published in August, Wired's Kevin Poulsen detailed how the FBI has been setting up honeypots on certain websites to ensare all sorts of suspects. The websites deliver malware to every visitor of the website and will tell the FBI who has been visiting it – even if the Internet users are using anonymity tools like the Tor Browser. It's one thing if this is being done for child porn websites – where even visiting the site is a crime – but this is yet another tactic that the FBI uses without telling us how often or against whom it's aimed.
We do know that the FBI is attempting to alter the nationwide court rules known as the Federal Rules of Procedure, so that it will be even easier for them to hack suspects no matter where the investigation is occurring. Hastings Law professor Ahmed Ghappour recently called that effort "possibly the broadest expansion of extraterritorial surveillance power since the FBI's inception."
But the FBI is trying to alter those rules without raising privacy advocates' hackles (though luckily some have caught on). In their proposal, the FBI uses language like "use remote access to search electronic storage media and to seize or copy electronically stored information". That is a euphemism for hacking, but it'd be hard to tell unless you read it 10 times. They've been using the same language with judges, at least one of whom has recently rejected the FBI hacking request, given the invasiveness of what they were actually doing. The judge described the FBI's malware tool in that particular case like this:
Once installed, the software has the capacity to search the computer's hard drive, random access memory, and other storage media; to activate the computer's built-in camera; to generate latitude and longitude coordinates for the computer's location; and to transmit the extracted data to FBI agents within the district.
Recently, FBI director Jim Comey complained that Apple and Google shouldn't be encrypting Americans' smartphones by default "without careful thought and debate". It'd be nice if he used the same standard for the FBI's hacking abilities – which seems to have become a go-to FBI tactic without Comey ever granting the public the right to either think or debate about it.
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What We Know About Friday's Massive East Coast Internet Outage
Friday morning is prime time for some casual news reading, tweeting, and general Internet browsing, but you may have had some trouble accessing your usual sites and services this morning and throughout the day, from Spotify and Reddit to the New York Times and even good ol' WIRED.com. For that, you can thank a distributed denial of service attack (DDoS) that took down a big chunk of the Internet for most of the Eastern seaboard.
This morning's attack started around 7 am ET and was aimed at Dyn, an Internet infrastructure company headquartered in New Hampshire. That first bout was resolved after about two hours; a second attack began just before noon. Dyn reported a third wave of attacks a little after 4 pm ET. In all cases, traffic to Dyn's Internet directory servers throughout the US—primarily on the East Coast but later on the opposite end of the country as well—was stopped by a flood of malicious requests from tens of millions of IP addresses disrupting the system. Late in the day, Dyn described the events as a "very sophisticated and complex attack." Still ongoing, the situation is a definite reminder of the fragility of the web, and the power of the forces that aim to disrupt it.
Ripping Up the Telephone Book
Dyn offers Domain Name System (DNS) services, essentially acting as an address book for the Internet. DNS is a system that resolves the web addresses we see every day, like https://www.WIRED.com, into the IP addresses needed to find and connect with the right servers so browsers can deliver requested content, like the story you're reading right now. A DDoS attack overwhelms a DNS server with lookup requests, rendering it incapable of completing any. That's what makes attacking DNS so effective; rather than targeting individual sites, an attacker can take out the entire Internet for any end user whose DNS requests route through a given server.
"DNS registrars typically provide authoritative DNS services for thousands or tens of thousands of domain names, and so if there is a service-impacting event the collateral damage footprint can be very large," says Roland Dobbins, a principal engineer at Arbor Networks, a security firm that specializes in DDoS attacks. DDoS is a particularly effective type of attack on DNS services because in addition to overwhelming servers with malicious traffic, those same servers also have to deal with automatic re-requests, and even just well-meaning users hitting refresh over and over to summon up an uncooperative page.
As Dyn absorbs more and more attacks, the scale of the situation becomes more clear. Specifically, that it's really, really big. "There's nothing really new about [this type of DDoS attack]. We've seen them for at least the last three years, they tend to be difficult to stop," says Matthew Prince, the CEO of the Internet infrastructure company Cloudflare. "But Dyn would see them on a regular basis, we see them on a regular basis. The fact that this is causing Dyn so many problems is pretty good evidence that this is an extremely large attack." Prince adds that Cloudflare, too, has seen an "uptick in errors" on its own network. It's not under attack; it's just experiencing fallout from the Dyn disruption.
Indeed, access to dozens of sites and services has been disrupted by the attack. Users in some regions like Asia seemed to experience fewer problems than those in the US. Though the topology of the Internet does not directly correspond to physical geography, it does approximate it to a degree, says Dobbins. Since Dyn says the impact was on its East Coast servers, this probably created the localized effect.
"This attack highlights how critical DNS is to maintaining a stable and secure internet presence, and that the DDOS mitigation processes businesses have in place are just as relevant to their DNS service as it is to the web servers and data centers," Richard Meeus, a vice president of technology at the enterprise security firm NSFOCUS, writes in an email.
What the Botnet
The overall picture is still somewhat hazy, but more information has become available as the day has progressed. Initial reports indicate that the attack was part of a genre of DDoS that infects Internet of Things devices (think webcams, DVRs, routers, etc.) all over the world with malware. Once infected, those Internet-connected devices become part of a botnet army, driving malicious traffic toward a given target. The source code for one of these types of botnets, called Mirai, was recently released to the public, leading to speculation that more Mirai-based DDoS attacks might crop up. Dyn said on Friday evening that the security firms Flashpoint and cloud services provider Akamai detected Mirai bots driving much, but not necessarily all, of the traffic in the attacks. Similarly, Dale Drew, the chief security officer of Internet backbone company Level 3, says that his company sees evidence of their involvement.
There's also a potential motive to use a Mirai hack against Dyn, or at least a certain irony in it. The company's principal data analyst, Chris Baker, wrote about these types of IoT-based attacks just yesterday in a blog post titled "What Is the Impact On Managed DNS Operators?". It appears he has his answer. And that all DNS services, and their customers, should be on notice.
This post has been updated to include new information about Mirai botnets, and to include additional comment from Dyn and Cloudflare CEO Matthew Prince.
Color Me Crazy: The Politics of the DSM – DailyDDoSe
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Powers That Beat: The Deepest Link
Did we not learn anything from the Hawthorne studies where we learned that the very act of observation in and of itself changes not only behavior, but also performance of subjects in any given setting?
There simply is no such thing as "natural" observation. The act of observing changes behavior, and I can tell you for certain that the act of being observed sure changes mine!
Largely driven by pharmaceutical conglomerates, a psychiatric diagnosis can be every bit a trendy as a pair of designer jeans back in middle school. It seems that lately, that diagnoses are driven more and more by Big Pharma and the latest and greatest pharmaceutical discovery.
It started in the 70's when Valium first became known as "Mommy's Little Helpers."
The 80's brought with it the discovery of Prozac, the wonder drug. And before we knew it, everyone from the Island to the Upper East Side was popping the capsules on a daily basis. Seeing a shrink was the norm, not the exception. It was almost trendy to be depressed. So long as it stopped there.
But next? Next came the smart pills. The Adderall, Provigil, the nap in a bottle. Stimulants were to late 90's what cocaine was in the 70's. Only this time they were prescribed, and they were socially acceptable, and they were given to children. Parents from Westchester and Scarsdale rushed to the nearest doctor in town to get their children on the fast track to the Ivy League. I would not be surprised if Shire-Richwood (the company that developed the pharmaceutical gem) bought add space in pre-schools. ADD. It's almost cool to be diagnosed with it. shit—look at Ty Pennington. He's a man's man. When I grow up, I wanna be hyperactive too! And bam—there is was in the next edition of the DSM-IV: ADD with Adult onset. You don't even need to be hyperactive anymore, just N.O.S. (not otherwise specified).
Now we have Depakote & Seroquel and everyone from Britney Spears to the kid next door is suddenly bipolar. And apparently, now I am too! Could it be that I'm just moody or having a bad day? Could it be that your annoying personality and is getting under my skin? Or that maybe, just, maybe I have good reason to be angry or upset? It couldn't possibly be that years of chronic stress have finally just pushed me over the edge?
Or could it?
So after years of being medicated with every pharmaceutical from Ativan to Zoloft, I finally got that golden diagnosis that makes me almost as cool as Britney or Paris, and so, yes– I have been diagnosed bipolar too. I've also been diagnosed with just about everything else that appears within the spectrum of anxiety disorders, so is it any wonder that I find it a little bit unnerving to place myself in the oh, so capable hands of a shrink who seems to have gotten his degree out of some cracker jack box– because surely no competent medical professional would dare to place me on just about every sedative and anti-psychotic medication or threaten to have me institutionalized simply because I suggested he may actually want to treat me rather than medicate me… but that would be too labor intensive for a shrink who divides his time between the local community mental health agency and the county jail.
FUN! I'm certifiable now!!!
So rather than take the time to listen to a word I have to say, or try something archaic like actually evaluating my symptoms and reviewing my medical history before treating me with the latest and greatest R&D breakthrough to hit the Pharmaceutical Industry since Penicillin.
I have and taken pretty much every pill.
If I'm happy I'm grandiose. If I'm sad, I'm chronically depressed. If I'm angry I'm paranoid. When I'm confident I'm narcissistic, and when I'm excited I must be manic. Couldn't't it just be that you're constant bullshit is really just pissing me the fuck off?
I have finally become every bit as crazy as I could have possibly imagined one being. Wouldn't it be nice to know that maybe, just maybe, there was some hope before my entire body and mind were tweaked with every artificial emotion —
Unfortunately, the one thing I am not is psychotic, though I often wish I were!
The idea of living in an alternative reality is most appealing! A place where this hell-hole I call home might is sprinkled with glitter and daffodils.
Dust? Not here. Couldn't be. I just vacuumed three years ago and I saw Tinkerbell flying overhead spreading fairy dust while she thought I was sleeping!
No. Unfortunately, I am not psychotic, but I might let you think that I am! It's a little more fun that way… for both of us!
Until, of course, until it gets real. Until I am so far beyond exhausted that I can hardly get my ass out of bed or sleep through my alarm because I pushed myself way too hard for way too long…. I have fallen asleep during my lunch hour, found myself dozing off during a conference call– or worse— a webinar!
It is hard enough to navigate a big boxy 5-speed SUV wide awake. Try doing it when your eyes start to feel blurry. Just add a huge ass deer bumper to that contraption, and I'm definitely a danger to others!
I have hit way too many non-moving objects while awake and focused– not to mention the times I am tired and distracted!
Asleep at the wheel again!
Them I get home… eventually… and it happens again! Asleep at the wheel of the very worst kind: My mouse wheel!
The Logitech mouse optical bar that controls my entire world! How many times have I accidentally lost or sent files simply from "bumping" the wheel?
I lost a whole hard drive once– back when they were really, really expensive! At least no one got hurt. Well, not that time!
There was actually one time I fell asleep sitting up with a cigarette burning over somewhere too close to my keyboard. My new laptop that I bought with my very last disbursement of my student loans. It was an all-in-one deal. I must have had a cigarette in my hand, my mouth– don't even remember… but after a few minutes went by, probably a few hours, maybe even a few days, and I woke up to find my favorite letter melted into the motherboard just beneath the flimsy little keys.
That was no fun, since I had to change all my passwords using a pen jabbing at the empty space on my keyboard where my F-key used to be.
I recently had to put another poor keyboard to rest along with its antiquated predecessors of roller balls, and peripherals that I bought long before the USB port was ever an option! So there lays my keyboard, along with a few outdated mice, printer cables, cable splitters, and a a whole lot of cords that surge protectors.
I can't say why exactly, but for some (pathological) reason, I still have mice that I used to run with DOS before I upgraded to Windows 3.1. Yes– I have quite an extensive cord collection! Zip drives, Floppy disks, thermal paper that has turned yellow since they I don't think you can even find a fax machine that still uses those 6 foot rolls I used to buy in the early '90's.
They are in there somewhere, tucked away in boxes filled with telephone cords, old school printer cables and hardly modern gender switchers! Buried along with an external zip drive and my first hot swappable floppy disk drive and CD . Because sadly, I do not think I could function in this world if I were attached to a keyboard that was missing the letter "F".
But don't worry—I got a new one. I could not live or die without using my favorite word in the English language. No—that one needed to be replaced. Next generation: Wireless! Woo-hoo! Now we're talking. Falling asleep at the wheel can be a problem—especially for a cat. Poor little thing. She is so used to watching me move it around furiously – just enough to catch the signal at just the right angle, my poor cat thinks it's a toy. The only mouse that is more fun to chase than that bird she once caught when she jumped off the porch. Poor little spotty, she curls up next to the PC tower because it is warmer than my bed. My mouse gets more attention than my poor little kitty cat. Holy shit! My priorities are fucked up!
But still… here I am, huddled over the keyboard while the world waits for me outside. I could be sitting in a bar. I could be mailing a letter. I could be taking a walk—but no. Here I am. Stuck like a zombie in front of the keyboard.
"COMPUTER OFF: MAKE IT STOP!"
I burned of staring at that the computer screen begins to morph into strange little dots in my peripheral vision. I'm so stressed out that I shake when I write, and I'm so stressed out that my adrenaline and cortisol levels are literally damaging my brain. If I'm not crazy yet, trust me I'm well on my way!
There is no diagnosis for being lonely. But if there were how would it best be described? Being in a room full of people. Being in crisis and no one to call– or worse calling someone when in crisis and no one shows up? Which is worse? I think I'd rather not make that call. Why, you may ask? Because we can convince ourselves that is simply because others are busy– certainly not because they don't care when deep inside we know the truth.
Do I really want to be reminded that I have spent just under 36 years on this planet and that I cannot think of one person I could rely upon in an emergency. Not a single person to call. No emergency contact number, no permanent home address. And even if I could come up with a name or number, who among them could I possibly trust to take care of Spotty? Shit– I can't think if anyone who would might even notice that my car hadn't moved — or that I might have.
This concerns me more than I could possibly let on… who will know t check on Spotty? Who would notice? It is not her fault that I don't play well with others. No one would notice at all– at least until they actually needed something from me.
Everybody calls me in crisis. And time and time again I come running. But sometimes I would just rather be alone. In silence. In White Noise. Where I am safe. Where I am free. Where I am trapped and where I am completely and utterly alone.
Other times, I just want to run. I don't know where; don't why, just run. So I can be alone in a strange city where it is actually okay for me to be alone. It is easier to remove myself from the social circles of days gone by, high school reunions, Family or College re-unions….
And though I have read quite a bit about the physiology associated with the "fight or flight" instinct– I still don't know if I am running towards something or away from another.
I am, and always have been, "a man without a country." I am a woman without a home. I always have been, and even as an adult I still felt Homeless at Home. (Durant, 2002)
So I moved as far as I could from the obvious places one might expect me to find me. I am definitely a "New Yorker," but only in spirit and in attitude. So I really can't go home again. That simply is not an option. And even if I were invited to go to one of four possible high school reunions, what would be the point? What for?
To be reminded yet again how much potential I used to have?
Why bother going back to the "glory days" of football uniforms and cheerleader skirts? Is our desire to participate in the juvenile, yet ritualistic tradition of seeing how well we measured up against our peers? Is the competition over yet, or are we still waiting to see who has the most toys, the biggest diamond, or the prettiest trophy wife after all is said and done? Are those events driven by our desire to see how far come or how far others have fallen? To see that the girl who fucked my boyfriend in the tenth grade is now wearing his ring? To listen to my sorority sisters who still gossip about eating disorders and drug problems?
Life is sometimes like a car wreck, you don't want to look, but you can't turn seem to turn away. And yes, secretly, deep down inside, we are a bit relieved if not happy that it happened to someone else instead of ourselves. Yep, no question: better him then me!
So for everyone out there who recently promised to help before , during, and after my surgery– you can all breathe a sigh of relief… You need not worry that I might actually take you up on that promise.
If you don't know me well enough to know how difficult it is for me to ask for anything, then clearly you would be the last person I want to see when I wake up the hospital.
I don't care if it is breast cancer or a broken toe– you are not welcome here. I don't call during a crisis.
Not because I'm strong, not because I'm brave, and not because I'm weak. Simply because I'm not that person. I'm not stoic, I'm not brave, I'm just not that person!
If or when I'm in trouble, disappointment and broken promises are the very last thing I need or want. Even if it out of some misplaced sense of pity or superficial concern. I have been in trouble before. I know what to expect. I am certainly old enough, and apparently smart enough to have learned the rules of the game by now.
So if you catch me feeling sad, lonely, or just plain sorry for myself, take comfort in knowing that I expect you to walk away– much like you have in the past. And don't worry, it's okay to think to yourself, "better her than me."
So instead, I find it is far better to drown myself in White Noise then baby bullshit and pure stupidity.
To distract myself with fancy websites, useless information, self-reflection, loud music… Fancy gadgets, the newest widgets, and everything else that completely distracts us from the reality of our existence.
To keep us from realizing that we may actually be completely alone in this world and maybe even in the next one too…
It is easier to fake a smile and go about my merry way than to be confronted with the fact that nobody gives a shit about how I feel or what I've been doing, unless, of course, I have something they need.
Something of value, something material. Something concrete. Something that can be sold, or something that can be used. Something, of course, other than me.
Because sadly, what gets lost in translation, is the very fact that I am something of value. Something to love. Something to hold on to. Someone who will stay by your side even if it hurts me to do so.
The one thing you will never know, is just how much it hurts to watch you walk out the door.
Especially when I knew it was coming, or perhaps maybe the only way it could ever have been.
I think I'm done.
You can come, you can go– whenever you like. Eventually I do smarten up– and the one time you come knocking, I may just not bother to let you in.
Yes– White Noise.
White Noise, Dark Nights. Sanity and Superheroes.
So please don't call me and ask, "how are you?"
Unless you really want to know, don't bother asking. Because one of these days, when you least expect it, I might be ready to tell you. I might be ready to tell the world. I might just tell you to sit your ass down and tell you exactly how I am. And let me warn you: it's not good.
Dark empty nights are only special if you can endure the silence. Not just the midnight hours, but the long stretches of silence and solitude that can only be cherished by those who not only appreciate it, but by those who are capable of creating their own White Noise.
I am lucky that I actually enjoy the dark in the dead of night. Because only then am I am completely free to enjoy the complex whisper of the midnight hour. And finally, just as before the sun comes up, and a quiet calm comes over my body and mind. A single moment where I gain complete control over my racing thoughts and busy mind. It only then when I can actually write, post, and submit and hit send.
"You may not care how much I know, but you don't know how much I care."
_________________________
Reference: The Politics of the DSM LIVE: What's In A Name? Friday, June 13, 2008 7:13 PM From: "Elyssa Durant" To: "Elyssa Danielle Durant" Message contains attachmentsWhat.docx (27KB)
Posted by Elyssa Durant at Friday, June 13, 2008 Labels: Drafts Dark Night, Diagnosis, DSM-IV, Psychiatry, Smart Pills, Sorry Works, White Noise
I appreciate the fact that you raised me to have realistic expectations and an internal locus of control.
I'm not sitting here praying to some sky fairy to heal me and I know that how well I come through this depends on me and me alone. I try not to unrealistic expectations because that way I can't be disappointed if they are not met.
The hard thing for me is the variability and inconsistency. I know from my mental health issues that recovery is not linear. That I will have setbacks and and I just need to fight through them.
Yesterday I could walk without my walker. Today I cannot. Optimism isn't my strong suit. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But I'm glad you taught me very young that anything worth having requires hard work and that you only get out what you put in.
Most things have come easy to me. I did my need to work very hard to excel in school or in sports.
This is uncharted territory for me and very frightening. I'm doing the very best I can to process it all but the way I do that is through my writing.
That way I can look back on the bad days and see how far I've come. I don't feel that I have any safe place to write Anymore with my websites under attack.
But I'll keep trying. I won't give in and I won't give up.
Elyssa D. Durant Research & Policy Analyst Columbia University, New York
I appreciate the fact that you raised me to have realistic expectations and an internal locus of control.
I'm not sitting here praying to some sky fairy to heal me and I know that how well I come through this depends on me and me alone. I try not to unrealistic expectations because that way I can't be disappointed if they are not met.
The hard thing for me is the variability and inconsistency. I know from my mental health issues that recovery is not linear. That I will have setbacks and and I just need to fight through them.
Yesterday I could walk without my walker. Today I cannot. Optimism isn't my strong suit. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But I'm glad you taught me very young that anything worth having requires hard work and that you only get out what you put in.
Most things have come easy to me. I did my need to work very hard to excel in school or in sports.
This is uncharted territory for me and very frightening. I'm doing the very best I can to process it all but the way I do that is through my writing.
That way I can look back on the bad days and see how far I've come. I don't feel that I have any safe place to write Anymore with my websites under attack.
But I'll keep trying. I won't give in and I won't give up.
Elyssa D. Durant
Research & Policy Analyst
Columbia University, New York
You had it all wrong. You say that my father was a hero to me and had me convinced that he was a horrible person who didn't love me at all. You said, "he didn't leave me. He left you." And I believed you. I believed all the horrible lies you told me. And I chose you. I left his home to move in with you until you changed the locks and kicked me out.
Well, now I know the the truth. When I was on a ventilator, Boca was too far for you to drive and it was too much for YOU to handle. I was facing life totally paralyzed and you walked out on me.
Thank god you contacted my father because he and Rita flew down and had me transferred by ambulance to have emergency neurosurgery. And I may never walk independently again but my dad arranged for someone to come and shower me, cook my meals, has fresh healthy food and vegetables prepared for me and got me an iPad with special software so I can write and communicate. You?
Haven't asked me once how I'm feeling.
Grandma Estelle is 89 years old and comes to EVERY appointment with me.
It took me a long time to see the truth, but I finally see things clearly now.
I don't really blame you. You simply don't know how to love. And you don't know selfless, unconditional love that a parent feels for their child. And that makes me very sad for you.
I pity you. Because I am a wonderful, loving and beautiful child who has accomplished great things, the least of which is my writing and my ability to love UNCONDITIONALLY.
You threw me away. And that's really too bad... for you.
Elyssa D. Durant
Research & Policy Analyst
Columbia University, New York
My abilities seem to be coming in and out. Some days I can walk unassisted and feel my hands, other days not so much.
It's taking a toll on my head and I just got a letter from my insurance company denying coverage stating my treatment was experimental and a bill for $290,990.72.
I'm wondering what kind of work I'll be able to do when I go back. I would love to go back to Government and use my degree in Health Policy.
So I need you all to vote for Andrew Gillum like your life depends on it.
Elyssa D. Durant
Research & Policy Analyst
Columbia University, New York
